“If you ever happen to turn your attention to externals, so as to wish to please anyone, be assured that you have ruined your scheme of life.”
- Epictetus
Theme of the Week: Separate Value From Performance
Brother,
For much of my athletic career, I believed my worth was directly tied to how I performed.
When I played well, I felt confident. But when I made mistakes or had a poor performance, it felt like everything else came crashing down with it. I convinced myself that people would think less of me, that they would be disappointed, stop respecting me, or even stop wanting to be around me.
Looking back, I can see how self-sabotaging and exhausting that mindset really was.
I wasn't just stepping onto the field to play a game. Every performance carried my identity, my confidence, my relationships, and my sense of self-worth. If I had a bad game, I genuinely believed I had somehow become less valuable as a person.
One day during training, after making a mistake that clearly frustrated me, my goalkeeper coach looked at me and simply said, "Nobody died."
At first, it sounded harsh. Almost dismissive.
But the more I sat with those words, the more I understood what he was trying to teach me.
Yes, performance is important. But the whistle would still blow, the next play would always begin, and life would swiftly continue. The mistake didn't change who I was. It didn't suddenly make me unworthy of respect or friendship. It didn't erase everything else about me.
That night I couldn't stop thinking about the comment my coach made. I asked myself: what would actually happen if I had the worst performance of my life?
For once, I was no longer afraid of the answer.
My ability to make saves, kick a ball, or perform under pressure did not determine whether I was worthy of love, respect, friendship, or belonging. Those things existed long before any game and remained long after the final whistle.
I then quickly realized that the only person who believed my entire worth depended on my performance... was me.
Research shows just how common this way of thinking is. Only 26% of professional athletes report being able to fully separate their self-worth from their athletic performance, and among high school athletes, that number drops to just 10%. It's a reminder that many athletes aren't simply competing against an opponent - they're carrying the weight of proving their value every time they compete.
Ironically, once I stopped treating every performance as a test of my worth, I became a better goalkeeper. I still cared deeply about winning. I still wanted to perform at a high level. The difference was that I was no longer carrying the impossible burden of believing my entire identity depended on the outcome. My mindset had changed.
Although I learned this lesson through sport, I don't believe it belongs only to athletes.
Many people tie their value to grades, careers, promotions, income, appearance, productivity, or being the person everyone else depends on. Research has even shown that men who base their self-worth primarily on independence and personal achievement experience lower well-being and shorter life expectancy. It turns out that the pressure to constantly prove ourselves doesn't just affect performance - it affects how we live.
The lesson for me was simple: when you tie your worth to performance, you become a prisoner to outcomes, approval, and fear. But when you recognize that your value is not created by what you do, you become free to pursue excellence without believing that one moment defines your life.
Work hard, care deeply, and chase excellence.
But don't confuse what you achieve with who you are.
Because who you are will always be much bigger than how you performed.
Stay strong, even when you are not. It’s okay, you are not alone.
With love always,
Michael Argyrides
