Theme of the Week: Detaching From External Validation
“It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.”
- Marcus Aurelius
Brother,
I used to care very much about what other people thought of me.
As a child playing both soccer and hockey at high levels, I tied my worth to how others perceived my performance and skill. When people told me I played well, I felt more valuable. When I didn’t perform well and receive that validation, I felt worthless.
When I got to university, the success of my entire week was determined by one thing; whether my name was on the starting roster. When my name was missing, it didn't just feel like a minor inconvenience. It felt like I had failed.
Later, I moved to Northern Ireland to attend a full-time goalkeeper school. There were 12 goalkeepers in the program competing daily for a professional opportunity. That environment sharpened me as an athlete, but it also reinforced that I was only as good as my performance.
By the time I reached the professional level, that mindset had completely taken over. What mattered most was how other people saw me, and it started to bleed into every area of my life. I would bend over backwards to be perceived the “right” way. I became careful with my personality, words, and actions. In certain rooms, I made myself smaller just to avoid judgment.
In hindsight, there was no level of approval that would have made me feel secure. Because the thing about external validation is that it is an endless hunger; a bottomless pit. Even when you receive the praise you seek, the true insecurity often remains, prompting you to engage in the cycle over again. Tying your worth to the opinions of others will never be enough. You will always need more.
To be honest with you, I don’t think I truly started breaking out of that mindset until I was diagnosed with cancer.
When performance was forcibly taken away and I could no longer earn validation through talent, performance, or skill - I finally realized the toxic cycle I was in.
I realized that living my life to please others, led me to feeling disconnected from my core values.
That was not how I wanted to live anymore, and for me, that was the beginning of detaching from external validation.
When your self-worth is rooted in self-love rather than social acceptance, everything changes.
Detaching has brought me peace. It has allowed me to reclaim my inner compass and calm my entire nervous system.
You deserve the same.
Stay strong, even when you are not. It’s okay, you are not alone.
With love always,
Michael Argyrides
